Sunday, July 23, 2006


You know how sometimes you life just seems to come into focus? How it can all be such a confused mish-mash of zig-zaggy noise and entropy, conflict and chaos and movement. And ten, one day, suddenly the light shifts slightly, your perspective alters and ... boom. It all makes sense. Not that you suddenly "understand," exactly, but things resolve and settle down, falling into a sort of comfortable relief. Some event comes along that, by its obvious "meaningfulness," applies a pattern. Corrals the cats, as it were. Pushes everything else into its proper place in the order of things. It's not a resolution so much as a sense that things are under control, that they make sense

Yeah. Well, this is not one of those times.

Lately, I've just felt like there's ... too MUCH going on. Nothing in particular is really bad. Or really good, for that matter. There just seem to be too much of it, whatever it is. Low level noise. Activity, without much importance. Vibration.

It's exhausting. I can handle depression, or exhilaration. Ongoing frustration or pain, though challenging, at least has a certain dramatic heft. Prolonged satisfaction seems (theoretically) satisfying. But these periods of buzzy static, when my life feels like a television scanning on white noise, really leave me kind of at loose ends. I enjoy an element of chaos in my life, but from a narrative perspective I do not do well without some sense of structure in my days.

Beginnings. Middles. Endings. Themes. Subtext.


Lately, I definitely lack a sense of meaning in my days, at least in a larger sense. It's like my life is just a bit out of focus, the backgrounds unresolved, the depth of field slightly out of skew. I imagine it'll all settle down soon, but man it's left me feeling kind of unsettled.

Nothing much else to add, really. There's no crisis, exactly. Just the luxury of wishing for defining moments. Chapter marks in my life.

And the voice in my head saying "Be careful what you wish for."

Mood: Pensive
Now Playing: Raul Malo, "You're Only Lonely"

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