Last night I found myself kind of dwelling on things a bunch. I'm in a "down" place this week, not sure why exactly, but I am. Navel gazing. Feeling a bit down on myself, sorry for myself. I think it's a bit of a post-gup test hangover, all the anticipation leading up to the test followed by a definite sense of "Oh, it's done? What now?" A sort of emptiness where the tension and stress of preparation had been. It's also that there's just been too much going on, but not a lot of time to just spend with my wife and family. Guests from out of town, lots of events and things that have to be done on the weekends, etc.
I'm just feeling a bit ... at sea, I guess.
I should be used to this by now -- it pretty well defines me. I'm not what I think anyone would consider manic/depressive or anything, but I do have a definite tendency toward the occasional dark mood, the mild bout of melancholia now and again. Luckily, I'm not one to shy away from feeling down -- I don't fight it with pills or drugs or curling up with a bottle of bourbon in a dark corner someplace or whatever. I tend to just ride it out, or turn inward and explore. The turning inward often results in more melancholy, but that's OK. It's important to peer into the corners of the attic, to crawl around the basement and see what's collecting dust in the corners now and then.
I'm a happy person, but sometimes I need to just sort of ... go inside. Dig around in my head until my fingers bleed a bit. Just for a little while. It reminds me of what's good. Exploring the negative to illuminate and define the positive. Um yung, if you will.
So anyway, I was dwelling on stuff last night and I realized I kept sort of returning to a sort of mantra: "Sometimes I wish... sometimes I wish...." So , I thought I'd turn it into a writing exercise, explore things a bit. Here's what came out of it. Maybe it's the start of a meme -- maybe it's a meme already and I sort of absorbed it osmotically without realizing. Whichever. Here it is.
Sometimes I wish I actually didn't care about what people think of me, instead of only acting that way.
Sometimes I wish I could be satisfied with how well I'm doing, instead of fixated on how well I wish I were doing.
Sometimes I wish I'd never stumbled into my career, so that I wouldn't feel trapped by it now.
Sometimes I wish my wife would read my blog just to see what I'm thinking, instead of waiting for me to tell her to read something I just wrote.
Sometimes I wish I'd never been friends with my manager, or that my friend never became my manager, because it's really made my job all-but unbearable.
Sometimes I wish I'd never started smoking.
Sometimes I wish I'd never stopped.
Sometimes I wish I'd had a father when I was a kid so I could be like everyone else. And then I think about what his father was like, and I realize that it might not have worked out so well.
Sometimes I wish I felt more like a priority, and less like an afterthought.
Sometimes I wish I'd never moved, but mostly I wish everyone else would just move here.
Mood: Kinda glum
Now Playing: Tool, "10,000 Days"