Monday, March 07, 2005

Gotta Love Them Screwed Up AIM ID Conversations

So, my buddy Matt just stopped by my desk, laughing hysterically. Looks like a group of folks somehow wound up with his AIM ID, and have it confused with someone else's. They've been IMing him all day, talking about people they know and what they're all gonna do later, and after trying to tell them like 10 times that he had no idea who they were or who they thought he was he started playing along for laughs.

What follows is a transcript of the latest conversation he wound up in with one of his new online ... errr... "friends."

Gotta say, the whole net sex thing has always left me sort of, well, confused. This doesn't clear things up any.

I also find it more than a little disturbing that the woman (assuming this is a woman -- who really knows?) claims to be a lawyer and she thinks the person she is talking to is "in da 8th grade." Matt keeps this up, he could be creating the next Mary Kay Letourneau.

Note: The AIM ID's of Matt and his new friend have been changed. Not looking to get anyone in trouble here -- just find the whole mess too fuckin' funny.


ASPYLIPS (4:03:48 PM): u sick bastert say my name
mrmatty (4:04:36 PM): I'd have to say your name is Mr. Can'tSpellShit
ASPYLIPS (4:05:23 PM): do u want me to break up with u is that what ur saying i noooo i might not be soo quick in da bed... but comon baby i make out veryy veryy go0d
mrmatty (4:06:42 PM): Yeah I think it's over , Im going for the more Intellectual type- maybe a plumber
ASPYLIPS (4:06:55 PM): yea but im a trivesta
mrmatty (4:07:32 PM): You could be a turnip for all I care
ASPYLIPS (4:08:00 PM): but but antoni i thought we were soul mates u noo what im gunna send u dozen roses
mrmatty (4:08:20 PM): Roses Shit, send money.
ASPYLIPS (4:08:32 PM): how much
mrmatty (4:08:44 PM): Give till it hurts
ASPYLIPS (4:08:58 PM): oio yes now ur talking
ASPYLIPS (4:10:38 PM): shall we do it in a taxi
mrmatty (4:11:16 PM): nope - how bout just stick to the giving me money part.
ASPYLIPS (4:11:43 PM): nope u have ti fuck me 1 last time soo whats ya adrsss
mrmatty (4:12:23 PM): 1901 E Main ST.
ASPYLIPS (4:12:57 PM): noo its not isnt it near 90th street u noo it used to be across the street form Panda Sport but nooww it close downv
mrmatty (4:13:27 PM): Well I moved since then gota keep on the down low
ASPYLIPS (4:13:50 PM): no no i reebr that u live ion apartment and near these houses... u noo like 2 familia
mrmatty (4:14:29 PM): Oh yeah thats right, I just forgot for a second
ASPYLIPS (4:14:50 PM): u live in white 1
mrmatty (4:15:21 PM): Yeah but it's gonna be painted blue and gold next month
ASPYLIPS (4:15:48 PM): ooo yehhh those colors make me horney
ASPYLIPS (4:16:11 PM): now wen we meet just sey the two colors BLUE AND GOLD and i wont have to take no momre ViAgraA...
mrmatty (4:17:23 PM): Well shit you might want to take the Viagra too and frickin blow your mind
ASPYLIPS (4:18:52 PM): oo yehhhh anythig u sey
mrmatty (4:19:12 PM): Really - how bout the money then..
ASPYLIPS (4:19:40 PM): yes how much 100,000
ASPYLIPS (4:19:54 PM): but only if we have sex over the computer
mrmatty (4:19:59 PM): You talking PESO's or greenbacks
ASPYLIPS (4:20:15 PM): wat
mrmatty (4:20:32 PM): what wat
ASPYLIPS (4:21:10 PM): wats ur adresss so i can send u the money
mrmatty (4:21:57 PM): Just bring it when you come over on the bus.
ASPYLIPS (4:22:23 PM): i dunt noo ur exavct adressss
ASPYLIPS (4:22:30 PM): only if we have computer sex
mrmatty (4:23:12 PM): Tried that once the mouse kept getting in the way
ASPYLIPS (4:24:31 PM): yoo onlyif we have computer sex u get ur fucken 100,000 dollars.. u noo Cyber
mrmatty (4:25:31 PM): Hey I never agreed to a lousy 100 grand you gotta have more than that
ASPYLIPS (4:29:10 PM): um.. ok let me seeeee 1.5 million
ASPYLIPS (4:29:59 PM): haa.. how bout that papi chulo
mrmatty (4:30:31 PM): You couldn't coem up with 1.5 million if you had 10 Wall-Mart jobs buckey.
ASPYLIPS (4:31:05 PM): i am a lawyer and i own a buisnesss did u forget baby remebr u came to work wiht me .... and u fucked me on my desk
mrmatty (4:31:35 PM): That was you! Man I must of been totaly wasted.
ASPYLIPS (4:31:54 PM): ...?? and u got aboner when u saw me in my bra
ASPYLIPS (4:31:59 PM): u were like wow a C
mrmatty (4:32:14 PM): Was I slurring alot too?
ASPYLIPS (4:33:15 PM): yeahhh
mrmatty (4:33:29 PM): That figures.
ASPYLIPS (4:33:39 PM): yeah and u kept SlapPing my ass
mrmatty (4:34:07 PM): Thought I was playing ping pong. Was I counting to 21.
ASPYLIPS (4:34:21 PM): nope we did it up to 75 secoonds
ASPYLIPS (4:34:55 PM): soo lets CyBerR....ahh
mrmatty (4:35:00 PM): What play ping pong?
ASPYLIPS (4:35:13 PM): nooooooo when u were fucking me
ASPYLIPS (4:35:34 PM): i feel ur penus goign into my vagina
mrmatty (4:35:34 PM): Must have been someone else I've never lasted that long.
ASPYLIPS (4:35:43 PM): yeh yeh yeh yeh u did
ASPYLIPS (4:36:00 PM): i remebr u were like ahh 75 u screamed out i was like wow!! ur g0od
ASPYLIPS (4:36:08 PM): tjen u were screaming whats my NAME
mrmatty (4:36:10 PM): Must have been that antonio dude you keep mentioning
ASPYLIPS (4:36:16 PM): whats my name BIATCH
ASPYLIPS (4:36:19 PM): u r Anotnio
ASPYLIPS (4:36:55 PM): rmebr i ahve big green eyes i have tan skin i am a C i have a big asss and i am around like 5'2 nad i 100 pounds......
mrmatty (4:37:49 PM): See couldn't be me my eyes got poked out in the war.
ASPYLIPS (4:37:56 PM): we did it in da Taxi and then we did it in my office then we did it at ur friends bosue in da bed room
ASPYLIPS (4:38:22 PM): i see u i saw u after skool.... u were wearing Blue iwas in my Mercedes driving around skool.......
mrmatty (4:38:23 PM): Wow a Trifecta!!
ASPYLIPS (4:39:00 PM): what is thAt
ASPYLIPS (4:39:14 PM): seXxy Men
ASPYLIPS (4:39:23 PM): i love u and ur friend byee NoW sexxy bitch!!!!!!
mrmatty (4:39:38 PM): It like 3 as in Tri and Fecta as in something else having to do with gambling
ASPYLIPS (4:40:11 PM): welll ur in da 8th grade and u were wearing blue and u g out with this gurl i fogor her name byeeeeeeeeee sexxy muther fucker
ASPYLIPS (4:40:22 PM): MWa xoxox
mrmatty (4:40:31 PM): OK sizzlechest!
ASPYLIPS (4:40:48 PM): ooo why than you
ASPYLIPS (4:41:26 PM): does that mean that i have a big chest
ASPYLIPS (4:41:31 PM): i remebr u were licking my clevage
ASPYLIPS (4:41:52 PM): u there SexXY
mrmatty (4:42:11 PM): It was probably the drewl from my drunkin state
ASPYLIPS (4:42:41 PM): nope i rmeebr i was weairng a black bra and u were just licking m clevage and u were pinching my b0obs
mrmatty (4:43:02 PM): I was not punching you in the boobs
ASPYLIPS (4:43:15 PM): noo u were PINCHING MY BOOBS
ASPYLIPS (4:43:25 PM): best sex ever
mrmatty (4:43:43 PM): Due to the boob punching?
ASPYLIPS (4:43:53 PM): oo fuck me
ASPYLIPS (4:44:17 PM): Yehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i feel it
mrmatty (4:44:21 PM): How bout I punch your boobs some more
ASPYLIPS (4:44:27 PM): oo why not..
mrmatty (4:44:50 PM): OK here it comes
ASPYLIPS (4:44:54 PM): ok
mrmatty (4:44:57 PM): I'm winding up.
ASPYLIPS (4:44:57 PM): im waitin
mrmatty (4:45:07 PM): fist are a twirling
mrmatty (4:45:24 PM): here's the delivery
mrmatty (4:45:48 PM): whoa went a little off the mark
mrmatty (4:46:01 PM): missed the left booby
ASPYLIPS (4:46:14 PM): noo i sed Pinching u no wen u grab them and u pich it or squezze them not Puch them u were amking out with me against the wall and i was going down then weni cam up we started makin out with me soooo moree then u were like OMG then u started grabbing my tuts
mrmatty (4:46:18 PM): Cold cocked you right in the forehead.....
ASPYLIPS (4:46:22 PM): tits**
mrmatty (4:46:28 PM): Down you go....
ASPYLIPS (4:46:30 PM): i want it to go in my ear
ASPYLIPS (4:46:33 PM): oo yeh
ASPYLIPS (4:46:44 PM): wiht some whip cream on tope and a cherry to top it off
ASPYLIPS (4:46:54 PM): u see me slurpoiing
mrmatty (4:47:03 PM): I rifle through your belongings and take all the cash and credit cards....
ASPYLIPS (4:47:31 PM): babybe if u want them take them allll ust come and carest ya b0dy
ASPYLIPS (4:47:50 PM): ma*
ASPYLIPS (4:47:56 PM): fuk me
ASPYLIPS (4:48:12 PM): fuck me harder Antoni scream my name
ASPYLIPS (4:48:24 PM): as loud as u can (Isabella)
mrmatty (4:48:29 PM): Oh my God you are coming out of your unconsiousness
ASPYLIPS (4:48:35 PM): Isabella F-------
mrmatty (4:48:43 PM): and babbling incohernetly
ASPYLIPS (4:48:48 PM): wtf
ASPYLIPS (4:48:59 PM): your science teacher Ms.kahndash
mrmatty (4:49:10 PM): From the missed boob punch aren't you reading ....
ASPYLIPS (4:49:24 PM): i noo u fuckedd Mr lanon tomatoe head
ASPYLIPS (4:49:51 PM): :-* kissses
ASPYLIPS (4:49:56 PM): Mathew WIllfart
ASPYLIPS (4:50:15 PM): heyy Sexxy papi
ASPYLIPS (4:50:24 PM): Mathew its not ANotni u can come and talk to me
ASPYLIPS (4:50:31 PM): omG ur duck is soo bigggg
ASPYLIPS (4:50:41 PM): DickK
mrmatty (4:50:53 PM): You calling me a dick?
ASPYLIPS (4:51:28 PM): noo i seed ur D!ck i sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo B!G
mrmatty (4:51:47 PM): Yeah well you should get a gander at my duck.
ASPYLIPS (4:51:55 PM): omG i would love 2
ASPYLIPS (4:52:07 PM): i wanna fuck u soo bad can mastabate me
mrmatty (4:52:42 PM): Can I bring the duck
ASPYLIPS (4:52:44 PM): comon come to my housee... SexXy
ASPYLIPS (4:52:50 PM): oo sure and the buttered MonKey
mrmatty (4:52:58 PM): OK was bus do I have to take?
ASPYLIPS (4:53:07 PM): B63
ASPYLIPS (4:53:37 PM): comn Blue guy comonb fFUCK MEEE
mrmatty (4:53:50 PM): Thats not a bus thats a binga number
ASPYLIPS (4:53:56 PM): g2g sexxy bye wma xoxoo
ASPYLIPS (4:54:09 PM): i luff yew soo much sexxxXXXy Papiiii
ASPYLIPS (4:54:14 PM): heyy.. HOEEDICK
mrmatty (4:54:14 PM): grg r2d2 xz9er for - o
ASPYLIPS (4:54:16 PM): Pussy
ASPYLIPS signed off at 4:54:21 PM.

Mood: Amused, confused
Now Playing: Cibo Matto, "Viva! La Woman"


Karl Elvis said...

God DAMN that's funny...

Gregg P. said...

Yeah, totally killed me.

Using the content of the IM log and the Magic of the Intarweb (TM), we've figured out that the people are all located in Brooklyn, hereabouts:

Also, that they don't know much about good sex (75 seconds? 75 SECONDS?).

Sigh. Kids today.

melanie said...

omG Gregg ur duck is soo bigggg !!

Gregg P. said...

Hey Mel, watch the fowl langugage!