Chuck Norris Facts.
Brilliant idiocy.
Mood: Good
Now Playing: Kid Creole and the Coconuts, "The Best of Kid Creole and the Coconuts"
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Resources
And he's back.
Jeez, it's been a while since I updated (again). It's not that I haven't thought about the blog, it's just been a lack of... well... resources from which to channel the energy I need to get writing. It's at least partly the typical post-holiday emotional hangover, I'm sure: too much company, too much spending, too much tension and stress, too much Making Merry. I know I speak for lots of folks when I say that we work ourselves into such a lather desperately trying to ensure that each Christmas is So Damn Perfect for our kids that by the time it's done we're exhausted and too stressed out to actually enjoy the joy that the season brings them, and that -- theoretically at least -- it should bring us as well.
This past Christmas wasn't a particularly good one for me. I never even got close to being "in the spirit." I worked hard to avoid being too Grinch-y, but didn't always succeed. And through it all, all I could focus on was New Year's Day. Get through the Christmas nonsense and get me to New Year's so I can shake 2005 off.
2005 was not a good year for me, not by a longshot. It saw my already miniscule immediate family shrink a bit more (through death and through divorce). 5 years of work chasing a pipe dream of techno-riches dispersed, as pipe dreams always do, into a cloud of bitter smoke. Friendships were nearly strained to the breaking point a couple of times. Money continued to be a challenge, to say the least.
And yet, We -- the people that make up the core of my family and of my life -- made it through intact. Knocked around a bit, but healthy and whole for the most part. So for that I'm grateful. And that was why I could hardly wait for the calendar to change. Get it done. Get us into 2006 in one piece, please.
So we made it, and 2006 is looking good so far. Aside from the simple fact that some of my money problems will FINALLY be coming to a close I've taken on some new projects that I think -- I hope -- will help me adjust my outlook on things. So often this blog has served as little more than a repository for anger and frustration for which I couldn't find an outlet in my day-to-day life, and on reflection that struck me as a fairly unproductive use of my creativity. It didn't help, especially, and while it felt good to vent little was actually achieved. I'm trying to change that. It'll take a while, I'm sure, but we'll see how it goes.
These days, after my work and family responsibilities are taken care of, I'm trying to pour all of the remaining energy I can muster into my Tang Soo Do training. It's going very, very well so far, and I'm making swift progress in learning the basics of the art. Of course I'm also beating the living shit out of myself -- these classes are the most demanding physical workout I've put myself through in at least 2-3 years, and I'm doing them in conjunction with maintaining my already busy 4-5 times a week gym routine. I've scaled back on weightlifting due to a nice little neck muscle spasm that has been haunting me for nearly a month, but I've instead been focusing on cardio and flexibility in the mornings, with 3-4 hours of Tang Soo Do in the evenings each week. As a result, my left hip muscles are seriously pissed off and I've done a pretty good job on the toes in my left foot. I'm 38, not 18, and times like this tend to drive that point home with annoying precision and force.
But whatever. It's just pain. It'll pass, and I'm just working through it. And if I can do that with physical pain, channeling it and dealing with it and just keeping going, then why do I need to use a blog to, well, Bitch and Moan? Can't I channel that energy more effectively, too?
I don't know, but I think it's worth a try.
So, the blog may be spotty for a while. My energies are most definitely focused elsewhere. In time they'll balance out on their own, and I'll try to keep things rolling here whenever I have something interesting to say.
Mood: Good
Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie, "Transatlanticism"
Jeez, it's been a while since I updated (again). It's not that I haven't thought about the blog, it's just been a lack of... well... resources from which to channel the energy I need to get writing. It's at least partly the typical post-holiday emotional hangover, I'm sure: too much company, too much spending, too much tension and stress, too much Making Merry. I know I speak for lots of folks when I say that we work ourselves into such a lather desperately trying to ensure that each Christmas is So Damn Perfect for our kids that by the time it's done we're exhausted and too stressed out to actually enjoy the joy that the season brings them, and that -- theoretically at least -- it should bring us as well.
This past Christmas wasn't a particularly good one for me. I never even got close to being "in the spirit." I worked hard to avoid being too Grinch-y, but didn't always succeed. And through it all, all I could focus on was New Year's Day. Get through the Christmas nonsense and get me to New Year's so I can shake 2005 off.
2005 was not a good year for me, not by a longshot. It saw my already miniscule immediate family shrink a bit more (through death and through divorce). 5 years of work chasing a pipe dream of techno-riches dispersed, as pipe dreams always do, into a cloud of bitter smoke. Friendships were nearly strained to the breaking point a couple of times. Money continued to be a challenge, to say the least.
And yet, We -- the people that make up the core of my family and of my life -- made it through intact. Knocked around a bit, but healthy and whole for the most part. So for that I'm grateful. And that was why I could hardly wait for the calendar to change. Get it done. Get us into 2006 in one piece, please.
So we made it, and 2006 is looking good so far. Aside from the simple fact that some of my money problems will FINALLY be coming to a close I've taken on some new projects that I think -- I hope -- will help me adjust my outlook on things. So often this blog has served as little more than a repository for anger and frustration for which I couldn't find an outlet in my day-to-day life, and on reflection that struck me as a fairly unproductive use of my creativity. It didn't help, especially, and while it felt good to vent little was actually achieved. I'm trying to change that. It'll take a while, I'm sure, but we'll see how it goes.
These days, after my work and family responsibilities are taken care of, I'm trying to pour all of the remaining energy I can muster into my Tang Soo Do training. It's going very, very well so far, and I'm making swift progress in learning the basics of the art. Of course I'm also beating the living shit out of myself -- these classes are the most demanding physical workout I've put myself through in at least 2-3 years, and I'm doing them in conjunction with maintaining my already busy 4-5 times a week gym routine. I've scaled back on weightlifting due to a nice little neck muscle spasm that has been haunting me for nearly a month, but I've instead been focusing on cardio and flexibility in the mornings, with 3-4 hours of Tang Soo Do in the evenings each week. As a result, my left hip muscles are seriously pissed off and I've done a pretty good job on the toes in my left foot. I'm 38, not 18, and times like this tend to drive that point home with annoying precision and force.
But whatever. It's just pain. It'll pass, and I'm just working through it. And if I can do that with physical pain, channeling it and dealing with it and just keeping going, then why do I need to use a blog to, well, Bitch and Moan? Can't I channel that energy more effectively, too?
I don't know, but I think it's worth a try.
So, the blog may be spotty for a while. My energies are most definitely focused elsewhere. In time they'll balance out on their own, and I'll try to keep things rolling here whenever I have something interesting to say.
Mood: Good
Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie, "Transatlanticism"
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Look What the Cat Dragged In
Yeah, yeah. I'm alive.
Since my last journal entry, things have been hectic and somewhat complicated. Both of my kids have had chicken pox, my daughter getting it just before we flew home from North Carolina after Thanksgiving, and my son popping up with it just a couple of days before last weekend, thus forcing me to cancel the Chrismahanukwanzakah Cocktail party I had planned for last Saturday night. Given how snarky I've been feeling about the holiday season this year I was really looking forward to a little mirth and merriment, so the party cancellation kinda put me in a bit of a tailspin for a few days. Now I just want this month to get done and over with. Get 2006 here already. This year has been utter shit, and I'm ready for a fresh start.
-=-
Otherwise, the only new news of note is that I have finally, after mulling it over for nearly 3 months, taken up Tang Soo Do.
I've had two classes so far, and it's going "well." By "well" I mean that I feel awkward and embarrassed and utterly lacking in confidence. But honestly I feel that way a whole lot of the time anyhow, and it's not because I'm standing around in a white cotton suit trying to do forward and reverse blocks and defensive stances. I'm one of those guys that makes up for an inherent lack of confidence and a certain degree of shyness by talking louder and acting brash. Not aggressive, by any means, but something of a clown. It's funny, but it's exhausting. A performance I put on that entertains and gets me approval (mostly) but also leaves me feeling so, so tired.
On the matt last night, though, that crap all dropped away and there I was: nervous and awkward, my muscles coiled tight as a friggin' spring instead of loose and relaxed, self-conscious and self-aware to an extreme degree, embarrassed by my repeated errors and fuck-ups and apologizing, apologizing, apologizing every time I failed to do something right the Very First Time. That was the real me out there. Scared to death. Utterly mortified. Knees unsteady and shoulders hunched, feeling alternately embarrassed and foolish, too big and too small in equal measures. That's me, with my shields down.
All the bravado and crude humor I use to mask how acutely uncomfortable I can get in social situations was left at the edge of the matt. There's no place for it in martial arts, no way to bring those defenses into play. Humility and respect define the instructor/student role. The things I've used as self-defense for most of my life do not, cannot, come into play here. Not if this is going to be of any use to me. Not if I'm going to learn new methods of self defense.
It was terrifying. I felt like a coltish 13 year old kid, awkward and unsteady, hips locked rigidly in place, arms and legs -- which never felt so haphazardly attached to my inflexible and off-balance torso -- hesitant, wobbly, moving into the wrong position, the wrong location, the wrong side, fists facing the wrong way as often as not. My "kya!" shout of focus and power strangled in my throat, sounding more like a weak old man's attempt at clearing some phlegm. I haven't felt so utterly inept, so completely unskilled and incapable, in 20 years.
And yet Kyo Sa Nim Nunan walked me through the basics, encouraging me all the while, telling me that I was doing great, told me repeatedly to stop apologizing for making errors when the whole point of this is too make errors until I no longer make them. Complimented me on my strength, my stamina, my attempts at getting the rigid protocol of respect correct. Tried to make me laugh with his dry, dry sense of humor. Eye contact. Approval. Patience, above all.
And in the end I got some of it. I did some of it right. Usually not the first time, but I got some of it right. And I hope that tonight, I can do better. I think my ultimate goal in undertaking this art, this discipline, is to gain the self-confidence that I lack. By hiding my fears behind my own bluster for so many years, I've protected and nurtured my own weakness. I hope that by stripping away my own defenses I can finally let that fear and worry wither away, and my own confidence to grow in its place.
This obviously cannot be a simple process, nor a painless one. Which is why, I think, it's a worthwhile one. I need to do this.
Mood: Good, but tense
Now Playing: Nothing.
Since my last journal entry, things have been hectic and somewhat complicated. Both of my kids have had chicken pox, my daughter getting it just before we flew home from North Carolina after Thanksgiving, and my son popping up with it just a couple of days before last weekend, thus forcing me to cancel the Chrismahanukwanzakah Cocktail party I had planned for last Saturday night. Given how snarky I've been feeling about the holiday season this year I was really looking forward to a little mirth and merriment, so the party cancellation kinda put me in a bit of a tailspin for a few days. Now I just want this month to get done and over with. Get 2006 here already. This year has been utter shit, and I'm ready for a fresh start.
-=-
Otherwise, the only new news of note is that I have finally, after mulling it over for nearly 3 months, taken up Tang Soo Do.
I've had two classes so far, and it's going "well." By "well" I mean that I feel awkward and embarrassed and utterly lacking in confidence. But honestly I feel that way a whole lot of the time anyhow, and it's not because I'm standing around in a white cotton suit trying to do forward and reverse blocks and defensive stances. I'm one of those guys that makes up for an inherent lack of confidence and a certain degree of shyness by talking louder and acting brash. Not aggressive, by any means, but something of a clown. It's funny, but it's exhausting. A performance I put on that entertains and gets me approval (mostly) but also leaves me feeling so, so tired.
On the matt last night, though, that crap all dropped away and there I was: nervous and awkward, my muscles coiled tight as a friggin' spring instead of loose and relaxed, self-conscious and self-aware to an extreme degree, embarrassed by my repeated errors and fuck-ups and apologizing, apologizing, apologizing every time I failed to do something right the Very First Time. That was the real me out there. Scared to death. Utterly mortified. Knees unsteady and shoulders hunched, feeling alternately embarrassed and foolish, too big and too small in equal measures. That's me, with my shields down.
All the bravado and crude humor I use to mask how acutely uncomfortable I can get in social situations was left at the edge of the matt. There's no place for it in martial arts, no way to bring those defenses into play. Humility and respect define the instructor/student role. The things I've used as self-defense for most of my life do not, cannot, come into play here. Not if this is going to be of any use to me. Not if I'm going to learn new methods of self defense.
It was terrifying. I felt like a coltish 13 year old kid, awkward and unsteady, hips locked rigidly in place, arms and legs -- which never felt so haphazardly attached to my inflexible and off-balance torso -- hesitant, wobbly, moving into the wrong position, the wrong location, the wrong side, fists facing the wrong way as often as not. My "kya!" shout of focus and power strangled in my throat, sounding more like a weak old man's attempt at clearing some phlegm. I haven't felt so utterly inept, so completely unskilled and incapable, in 20 years.
And yet Kyo Sa Nim Nunan walked me through the basics, encouraging me all the while, telling me that I was doing great, told me repeatedly to stop apologizing for making errors when the whole point of this is too make errors until I no longer make them. Complimented me on my strength, my stamina, my attempts at getting the rigid protocol of respect correct. Tried to make me laugh with his dry, dry sense of humor. Eye contact. Approval. Patience, above all.
And in the end I got some of it. I did some of it right. Usually not the first time, but I got some of it right. And I hope that tonight, I can do better. I think my ultimate goal in undertaking this art, this discipline, is to gain the self-confidence that I lack. By hiding my fears behind my own bluster for so many years, I've protected and nurtured my own weakness. I hope that by stripping away my own defenses I can finally let that fear and worry wither away, and my own confidence to grow in its place.
This obviously cannot be a simple process, nor a painless one. Which is why, I think, it's a worthwhile one. I need to do this.
Mood: Good, but tense
Now Playing: Nothing.
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