I've spent the majority of the past week sort of settling down following the trek to Chicago and Savanna. The entire experience was so friggin' intense that it's left me feeling sort of tongue-tied, and a bit raw. At first I was suffused with the post-event glow of camaraderie and good will. Then, after a day or two, my usual self esteem crap started cropping up and I found myself getting a bit paranoid, wondering if we'd all actually gotten along as well I thought we had. And once I went there, I started going into my usual next step, hyper-analyzing every little thing anyone said, reading even more between the lines, and getting all oversensitive and all that crap. Happily, that didn't last very long and now I feel like I'm back on solid ground again. So that's all good -- I don't have the time or the energy to put myself through all that nonsense. Time was that my post-event doldrums could have stretch on for weeks before I finally relaxed and moved on, so 4 or 5 days of the blahs was pretty darn good.
Life continues at its hectic pace. I'm settling into a new position within my company, one that will hopefully lead to more consistent activity and more opportunities for long-term, team-oriented projects. I'd gotten so damn sick of working alone on stuff no one really seemed to care about. The new job looks to offer potential for way more inventive, creative, and necessary projects that will both enable me to stretch out and get me a bit more high-level recognition over time. So far, though, it's all static and mess as we try to figure out how best to use my creative and technical capabilities to flesh out the projects that are undertaken by what is essentially a business operations team. Could be hugely successful, could be a total disaster, will likely be somewhere in the middle. Either way, though, I think it will be interesting.
On the plus side I'm back to training on my usual schedule, 3 classes during the week plus Saturdays with Christine and the kids, plus gym time 3-4 times in the morning during the week and extra practice working with mom when she needs some help on one-steps, wrist grabs, or forms. Received my invitation to test for 6th gup last week, so I've now got a little less that two weeks to get my techniques solid for the test.
It's pretty cool, though -- I'm really not all that worked up over testing this time out. My first test was crazy stressful because I'd never tested before. And my second test was crazy stressful both because I was injured (in fact I'm fairly certain the ankle twist was actually a tiny eensy weensy ankle, well, break...) and because I just didn't feel like the trajectory of my training had over the previous few months had been particularly consistent. I felt like I'd picked up way too much way too close to the actual test date.
But this time out I just feel pretty solid and ready to do this. I've been doing pretty much everything I need to demonstrate on the exam for at least 3-4 months now, with the sole exception of Pyong Ahn E Dan, which I worked my ass off to polish up during the run-up to the Lone Star Invitational, even though I had to miss the competition. I've got some minor injury issues going on: My right hamstring continues to give me some pain, although it feels plenty strong -- I think I've got an inflamed tendon or something over there rather than a muscular problem -- and the groin pull still twinges from time to time if I'm not careful. But all in all I feel pretty damn good, and I just want to push myself hard -- but not too hard -- over the next ten days or so until it's test day.
In the meantime, most of my mental energy is being devoted to planning out my test day essay. The topic this time out, "What does Moo mean, and what does it mean to me?" is particularly interesting, I think. It's something I've been thinking of quite often, actually -- the concepts of physical and mental training as a method of avoiding conflict, internally and externally. Lack of confidence giving rise to fear and aggression. Preparation and confidence acting both as a deterrent and as a beacon. The paper is still bubbling in my noggin, but I think it's going to be a good one when it decides it's time to come out. Just have to make sure it's ready within a week or so.
Ah well, gotta wrap up my work for today and head to 5:00 class.
Now Playing: Gnarls Barkley, "St. Elsewhere"