Storming the Fortress

Here I am, halfway through January and this is my first entry of 2008. I'm convinced that, when the calendar turned to the new year, someone somewhere magically shortened the days, because ever since New Year's Day I feel like my every waking moment has been filled to over-stuffing. Wake work train sleep repeat x5, plus 2 days of wake train work (around the house) and socialize (some) sleep. Repeat. Add to this general non-stop activity the overall miserable cedar fever season we're having here in Austin this year and you can just imagine what fun I'm having. My eyes feel pretty much like they've got sand in them all day, every day, especially when I blink or close them. And I spend about 3-4 hours each days sneezing. Perhaps I should have taken my cedar (juniper) allergies into account when I opted to purchase a house in CEDAR FREAKIN' PARK.

Arrgh. It should end in a couple of weeks.

Work is a madhouse -- my good friend Joan has come on board as our VP of Marketing (and thus my new boss) and as a result things have gone from "busy but unfocused" to "super busy and highly focused" almost overnight. I'm getting in early in the morning, leaving well after 6:00 most nights. and then I head home, visit with my family for about an hour, and then go train.

I am SO glad it's Friday.

-=-

Training this week has been interesting. My instructor is up in Connecticut, training with the high level students in our organization and attending this year's kodanja training/testing. Kodanja is held once a year, and it is the nearly one-week long test during which invited 3rd dans (sam dan's) in our art are permitted to test for 4th dan (kodanja). My instructor is not testing this year -- he tested two years ago, just a month or so after I started training with him, and will therefore not be eligible to test for at least a few more years. but many studio owners choose to attend the training and test anyhow, simply as a way to challenge themselves and obtain intensive training time with our Grand Master, Charles Ferraro.

Quick digression, and for the uninformed, some info: Kodanja is a particularly grueling series of days of training followed by testing. And when I say "days" I mean pretty much ENTIRE days of training. Typically, the students that have been invited to test will begin training on Wednesday morning, early (say before 9:00 or so), and do not stop until 3:00 or so in the morning (i.e. around 18 hours later). Afterward, you shower, and grab some sleep, and then training kicks off again at around 7:00 or so (if you're lucky you'll get about 3 hours of sleep). This keeps up for four days although I believe they are cut loose early on Saturday night so they can get at least 5-6 hours of sleep before the test.

Then, on the last day (Sunday), the kodanja candidates participate in an all day test in which they have to demonstrate total competence and ability in pretty much Every Single Bit of the Tang Soo Do Mi Guk Kwan curriculum. To give you an idea of just how much curriculum this is, consider this list of techniques I had to demonstrate for my 3rd gup test, late last year:

• Approximately 2 dozen hand technique and hand technique combinations (soo gi)
• Approximately 1 dozen foot technique and foot technique combinations (jok gi)
• 10 forms (hyungs) -- 3 gichos, 5 pyang ahns, 2 chil sungs
• 10 basic one step sparring techniques (il soo sik dae ryun)
• 14 intermediate one step sparring techniques (il soo sik dae ryun)
• 15 intermediate self-defense techniques (ho sin sul)
• Sparring, breaking, terminology, and philosophy/history

On a good day, that test takes about 3.5 hours, more if anyone has any difficulty. And these tests are done as a group, meaning if one person is having difficulties the honorable requirements are that the entire group keep working with them until they succeed or are asked to leave the mat, so if even one person is having a hard time a 3rd gup test can easily go 4 or 5 hours. Now, consider: That's what I had to demonstrate after just about 21 months of training. Folks invited to test for kodanja have to have been training for approximately 14 years. And while the number of foot and hand techniques don't really grow all that much, the forms and other curriculum become more and more challenging and complex.

So yeah: it's kind of a big deal. If I am fortunate and stay on schedule without serious injuries I hope to be invited to test for kodanja in or around 2019-2020. Which means I'll be somewhere around 51 or 52.

Holy crap.

So, anyway, getting back to the present. Because my instructor is off in Connecticut we've had guest instructors all week. By guests I mean that our higher ranking students have been stepping u pand teaching class in his absence, which has created some pretty exciting learning opportunities. While I very much enjoy and prefer learning from Sa Bom Nim Nunan, I've found that getting a chance to train under other instructors from time to time can be a really good way of dusting things off and making you see them in a different light. Different instructors have different approaches to material and different ways in which they get their points across. This week I've been fortunate to train under Mr. Daniel Delanela, one of our Ee Dans and a remarkably gifted martial artist. I often say that when I grow up I want to be Mr. Delanela, although I'm pretty sure I've actually got a year or two on him -- hard to say, honestly, as he is from the Philippines and Filipinos, like so many people of Asian descent, tend to have a "looks really young but could be 80" thing going on. Regardless, he's spectacularly talented, and a terrific teacher to boot. I hope he'll consider taking on an occasional class in the future, even if Sa Bom Nim is in town.

One thing Mr. Delanela mentioned in class the other night was how when students reach red belt it becomes more and more important that they spend more time considering why it is that they train, what they feel they are getting out of training and whet they feel they bring to the dojang as a senior student. this is something that's been on my mind a lot lately, honestly, as I approach my 2nd gup test. I train as much as I can, and train hard. I'd train more often if it weren't for all these pesky family and career thingies getting in the way . But why? Part of it is camaraderie, certainly: over the past 2+ years I've made many very good friends via our dojang, most especially the friendship Christine and I've found with Sa Bom Nim and his wife Pennie. I enjoy the challenge of training as well, and the satisfaction I feel when I know I've performed a technique or a form well, or have sparred a particularly good match.

But there's more to it that that. I really feel I'm becoming a different person because of this art -- not completely different, obviously, I'm still me. But I feel like so many ways in which I approach other people, and the world at large, have changed as a result of this training. I'm less skittish in social situations, more able to just be at ease around people -- I especially noticed this when I attended my first trade show last month and had to do the handshake/meet and greet/Q&A thing for my company. That sort of totally artificial social behavior used to unnerve me to no end, but this time around it was a walk in the park. I'm also more likely to speak up when I first see problems, instead of either ignoring them and hoping they'll go away or tolerating them until I can't anymore and finally explode. I feel like I'm so much more of an even keel.

but there's more, too. The form I'm currently learning is Bassai, a traditional form that was created over 500 years ago in Southern China. One interpretation of the name Bassai is "storming the fortress," and while this form is a very forceful and dynamic one, which might lead you to think that the fortress in question is one made out fo stone sitting on a mountain somewhere, in fact the fortress it is referring to is one's own ego. This is a form that is meant to help us deconstruct ourselves, to unlearn negative attitudes and behaviors and just, well get over ourselves. It's very challenging, very fast, yet requires flexibility and relaxation to perform well. One's limitations become readily apparent when learning Bassai, and it takes a lot of work to get it right, far more effort to get it good.

i've been working on bassai for nearly 5 months now, and I think I'm finally "getting" it. I mean, I knew it at 2 weeks and could perform it accurately (if not well) within a month. But after 5 months, I feel like I am getting to understand it. The way the movements flow together. The rhythm and pace and mood of it. and I think part of this is due to my entire last year being something of a year of Bassai in my life. Losing my job and my subsequent challenges in getting rehired forced me to take a long hard look at myself and my approach to work, and I wasn't all that excited by what I saw. still, it took moths for me to finally "get over myself" and mend some bridges in order to get my career back on track. I was carrying a lot of anger around due to how poorly things went at my last company, but I couldn't admit that I'd taken a lot of that anger out on my friends and co-workers, not through anger and abuse but through negativity and sarcasm and harsh comments that were jokes but which still stung. I had to realize that the way I see myself is not always the way others see me, and that others will continue seeing me in a negative light unless I give them a positive version of myself to judge.

This was a big thing. Not an easy pill to swallow, I'll tell you. Sometimes it's very hard to look at yourself and say "you know, drop the bullshit, apologize for being a difficult prick to work with for while there, and don't do it anymore. Grow up. Move one." and that's what I've tried to do, ever since taking on my new job. I think I'm doing OK, but I don't spend a lot of time waiting for people to tell me so -- I just assume that if I keep putting my best face and foot forward they'll notice.

This was, I think, a pretty big effort at storming my own fortress, and I hadn't even been taught Bassai yet! But the lessons are at the heart of our art, and the heart of why I think I continue to train and study so hard, despite the sacrifices it forces me to make. Tang Soo Do changes lives, and I know it is changing mine for the better.

Have a great weekend, y'all.

Mood: Chipper, but ready for the weekend
Now Playing: "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street," Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Done

As my voluminous output for December demonstrates, it's been a freakin' busy month. Trade shows, gup tests, XMas planning and execution, weeks of house guests and the overall blur of things-to-do that accompany all of these things have all contributed to an incredibly high-pressure / low-pleasure holiday season for me. Frustrating, to say the least.

On the up side, it's nearly over. One more party tonight (someone else's, for a change), a day off tomorrow, and then we plunge into an extremely busy quarter here at the office. The kids get back to school on Thursday, which will hopefully go a long way toward getting their behavior back to normal -- the complete lack of structure over the past couple of weeks has them acting like loons, not to mention stomping repeatedly on my last nerve. And this weekend we'll have our house to ourselves again, so with any luck we'll be back on an even keel by next Monday.

One thing I've learned about myself this past year is just how much I like my routines. Not that I live a terribly regimented and rigid life. But I like having a pretty solid idea of what I'll be doing on any particular night during the week. Training Tuesdays and Thursdays, sometimes Mondays as well. Gumdo on Friday evening. I like knowing that once the kids are down for the nights I can look forward to a couple of hours of just relaxing on the couch with Christine, watching the tube or reading a magazine or whatever. Knowing that Saturday goes like this: I get up around 7:30 and make a pot of coffee. While it's brewing I make 2 shots of espresso, and use one of them to make Christine a latte. Then I sip coffee, read email and news on my iMac until about 9:00. Then we start rallying the kids for 10:15 family class, after which we hit Starbucks so the kids can get their respective treats (Trevor: vanilla bean creme. Miranda: tangerine juice blend made with the cream base instead of tea). Then, typically we run by Target, do a little shopping, then head home and just chill out for a couple of hours. Maybe play some video games together. Then, maybe some dinner with friends, or invite some folks over to watch a movie.

Nice.

That's what our Saturdays usually are, except we haven't had one like that since prior to Thanksgiving, what with all the "fun" of the holiday season. And I haven't been able to just relax on the couch with my wife after the kids crashed for nearly a month. So I'm really ready for the whole holiday season to end so I can get my humdrum on.

-=-

So, 2007 is pretty much over, and I couldn't be more pleased. While we've made it through alright, this was not a good year, characterized predominantly by Too Much Change. I am atypically, enthusiastically embracing the illusory "clean slate" that January the first theoretically brings. And with this come a few general goals -- not exactly resolutions, so much as ideals. This year, I'm going to try to laugh more. I'm going to try not to dwell on things I can't fix or change. I'm going to try to count to ten before reacting when under stress. I'm going to play Rock Band at least once a week. I'm going to take one really amazing vacation with my wife and not freak out about how much it costs. I'm going to take my kids someplace that's not a theme park that they'll remember for the rest of their lives. I'm going to pay more attention to tending my friendships.

And I'm going to train my ass off. Tang Soo Do got me through some very rough spots this past year. And even though I'm feeling a bit stagnant right now (not testing again until February, and I'm getting antsy) my commitment to achieving my training goals hasn't wavered a bit. I've got a small tournament coming up at the end of January, my first as a red belt. Much higher levels of competition, especially from the more established 2nd and 1st gups, so I'll need to train hard to have a shot at bringing home anything shiny. But I'm going to try my best and see what happens. And then I've got testing in February, after which the tournament season will kick off in earnest in March/April, capped off with the Nationals right here in Texas in July not to mention the Lone Star Invitational (Master Nunan's tournie) in August or September. Big year for us Tang Soo Do Mi Guk Kwan Texans, I'll tell ya.

So, here's to 2007, and the setting sun. And here's to 2008: may the best things that happened to you in the past year be the worst things that happen to you in the coming one.

Mood: Weary
Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie, "Transatlanticism"

Bah Humbug

No, no, I’m not dead. Not yet, anyway. Just having yet another one of those months where I'm spread so thin that time to write is nearly non-existent, and inspiration/motivation to write when there is time is even more so. Frenzied and frustrated, but well.

Not a lot of Tang Soo Do talk to engage in just now. Still training 3-4 times a week, still loving it, but no big new events to report. Christine, Miranda, and Trevor all tested last weekend, and they did fantastic. Miranda is now a 3rd gup (red belt) while Trevor and Christine are 4th gups. Now they’re all on a 6 month wait until their next test. As for me, I’ll be testing for 2nd gup in February and I feel solid enough in my techniques that I have no real concerns. It should be a cake walk, more or less.

I’m having my usual holiday stress. I try not to be too “Grinch-y” at Christmas, but this year I’m feeling a bit more melancholy than usual. 2007 has not been a very good year – there have been some decent parts, but mostly it’s been a bit of a rapid-fire run-on sentence of a year, punctuated with notable negatives. Job loss and (thankfully brief) unemployment. Turning 40 (not a bad thing in and of itself, but something that has led to a lot more introspection than usual). Cancelled vacations. The death of a friend’s mom who was, also, a friend of mine. One notable broken friendship that is pretty much beyond repair. A couple of other friendships that are starting to fray around the edges due to distance and other factors.

Not that the year has been all, or even mostly, bad, exactly. We’ve had some great times this year, but the significant events of the year were largely negative ones, so all in all I’m looking forward to flipping the page on the calendar.

But first, I have to survive Christmas. I am so sick of spending money I could scream. We only have a few more gifts we have to get, and after that we are more or less finished. Of course, I know that “finished” actually means “well, aside from a bunch of last minute items that will occur to us in the next few days. Plus stocking stuffers. And candy. And all the stuff we have to buy for our Christmas brunch for 12 people.” So we won’t actually be finished until we get past the 25th and can stop it already. Or until we run out of cash. Whichever comes first, I suppose.

I wish I could convince my family to only do “gifts from everyone” for the kids and just do the “buy for one other person in the family” bit for the adults. I’d so much rather spend a couple of hundred on one really fantastic gift for one person than try to come up with gifts for everyone that all cost somewhere around the same amount and that they actually want. The worst thing is that we almost never come up with really great gifts ideas for anyone, anyway. This year a lot of folks are getting gift cards because we just can’t come up with anything that we think they want that we can actually afford, especially when it’s factored in with the budget of buying for everyone else as well.

I guess that’s why I dread this season so much these days. Every year it just turns into 4-6 weeks of stress about cash and little else. I enjoy seeing the kids open their presents, I enjoy throwing our annual brunch (a lot of work, but nice all the same) but otherwise the entire season is just a tawdry exercise in commercialism and greed with no focus whatsoever on anything meaningful.

People get all worked up over this idiotic fictional self-pitying “War on Christmas” garbage, claiming that people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” is somehow ruining or devaluing their holiday, when in fact the entire way we “celebrate” this season is crass and meaningless. Pundits blather on about “them” (choose your “them” – no matter where you are in the political spectrum you’ve got your preferred Bogeyman, and you blame them for everything – just admit it and more forward) destroying The Meaning of Christmas between periodic commercial breaks filled with messages designed to make you feel like less of a wife/husband/father/mother/brother/sister/child/friend if you don’t buy more expensive disposable plastic distraction that signifies your love for people. Instead of actually, you know, showing them that you love them all year round, you buy sparkly junk, wrap it pretty, and give it to them this one day and that means you’re a good person, even if the rest of the year you were sort of an ass. And apparently this has something to do with Jesus.

So yeah, all these outraged talking heads – or, more precisely, talking heads who make tons of cash by finding things to be outraged about and telling you that you should be outraged, too, and buy their books to express your outrage – are getting all Chicken Little about clerks in the stores selling people all this crap being instructed to say “Seasons Greetings.” This is, apparently, one more example of secularism destroying the holidays.

Sigh.

I have news for you -- the holidays are already destroyed. And it’s not because some PC folks have decided it’s better to use more generic, “inoffensive” greetings designed to avoid offending easily offended people who are actively looking for something to be offended by. They were destroyed the day we collectively decided that the only way to celebrate Christmas was to spend as much of our cash as we possibly could to make the holidays “special.”

Because like it or not, in our culture cash in not just physical currency (i.e. an abstraction of the value of a physical item, enabling barter without actually having to exchange the physical items themselves), but emotional currency as well. It’s become an acceptable way to say how we feel without actually, you know, saying it. The more you spend on someone, the more you love them. Combine this basic attitude with a constant barrage of advertising that assures you that you are inadequate or lacking and this can be easily fixed by purchasing something, along with ready access to any number of credit card offers are you have a perfect misery cocktail. Spend until you can’t possibly spend anymore, otherwise people won’t think you love them. And no matter how much you spend, there will always be One More Thing you should have bought.

Arrgh. It’s just depressing. I’ll try to find a more inspiring topic for my next entry, but for now I’m just sort of weighed down with cynicism.

Mood: Gloomy
Now Playing: Feist, “The Reminder”